I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize