My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
