should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
