tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i've created a new STD.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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