I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
