I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
