last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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