Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
