her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
