Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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