Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
