We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
