u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Someone came in the potted fern
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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