Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
