im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
