did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
