How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize