Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
