i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Four minutes until I can fart!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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