i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
