whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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