why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
