I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
