Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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