Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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