u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
