She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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