To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize