Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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