I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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