Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
