i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
