Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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