Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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