I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
