I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
