Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
