I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
