smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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