My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize