Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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