got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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