plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
