I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
