I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
