Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
