At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
