You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
