Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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