Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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