Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
A+ Viking dick
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