Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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