We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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