I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
