Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
