Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
