she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
