so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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