Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
