Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
